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Aug
29
Boston’s Big Dig and the Tip O’Neil Tunnel project has cost Massachusetts tax payers nearly $15 Billion, so far. More than six time the original estimate, the most expensive project in the history of America, and it’s a piece of crap. It’s leaking, it caused millions of rats to take to the streets, it’s inefficient, and by the way, it collapses.
Aug
27
Miss Teen
Filed Under WTF? Shitheadery | Leave a Comment
So the other day I’m flipping through the channels, as usual not finding anything worth watching. Boring news, stupid sitcoms, bad comedy, some crap an the mating practices of the dry-hump whale or something, when I see babes. A whole row of babes. Young, thin, hot babes. But babes that are younger than my daughter. I felt like I needed a shower. The kind of shower Drew Carey took when he realized he had Internet sex with Mimi. Before you call that creepy guy from that show … the pedo-files or To Catch a Predator—whatever it’s called, my daughter is 20-years-old and these girls were Miss Teen USA wenches.
These are the same chicks that looked at me and pointed in high school You know the type, and if you don’t know the type you were the mouth-breathing jock that was banging them and stuffing me in a locker.
They were all perky, perfect, and pretty. With the exception of one, who I think ran the Kentucky Derby. And she, despite the Mr. Ed head, was fighting her natural inclination to be intelligent. The others were fighting to keep a thought long enough to answer, what were some pretty mundane, simple questions. What was your best vacation? What subject do you like in school? What was the coolest thing to ever happen to you? The last one was fun, because how much adventure can you really cram into that short a life? The killer was Miss South Carolina, who when asked to comment on the state of our educational system came up with this: Video
I know how you feel. Do I laugh or cry? I felt like I feel when I watch a comic flop. And Slater looked like he did when they canceled Saved by the Bell.
She probably had a wonderful speech prepared about democracy, countries she couldn’t point to on a map, and her strictly vague moral view of the state of the world, and this is where she decided to throw it in. Chances are she practiced this for hours with her overbearing parents and the pageant coach they hired with her college fund, whose only real objective was the chance at fame that they all sold this poor ditz out for—albeit a pretty good looking ditz, but a ditz none the less.
So what’s left for her? Go back to high school, face the other kids and get on with her life? Probably not. These days she has choices. She could sue the network, or You Tube for the trauma inflicted by this video cementing her stupidity for ages. She could learn how to read and write and come out with a book about how her parents, society, and diet pills ruined her life (look at those hips, and her neck, she’d be plump and happy in the real world), or she could make a difference by turning this experience into a mission to educate kids in this country. But the more likely scenario: parents and managers will spring into action, get her on some morning talk shows, claim that she has ADD, dyslexia, a food addiction, was molested, or anything else that isn’t her fault that she’ll talk about endlessly on her My Space page. Then, in a couple of years we’ll see her in a sex video on You Tube and she’ll be checking into a rehab or going to jail.
The girl who should be getting the interviews and the attention is the one who asked the question. She was smart enough to pick her mark, sense the irony of the context in which that question was asked, and get the question past the pageant organizers.
I’m willing to bet there’s an investigation going on right now to find out how that question got in, who’s responsible, and how to avoid this in the future. Maybe Miss Teen Colorado is behind it.
Aug
16
Every Day Shitheadery
Filed Under WTF? Shitheadery | Leave a Comment
A couple of hundred years ago Ben Franklin listed 13 virtues he felt were important to daily life and society: Temperance, Silence, Order, Resolution, Frugality, Industry, Sincerity, Justice, Moderation, Cleanliness, Tranquility, Chastity, and Humility. It’s hard to laugh at the thought of someone proposing that today. He also proposed perfumed suppositories. A visionary on both counts.
Go to any mall, supermarket, coffee shop, restaurant, theater, library, or virtually any public place—or virtual place for that matter. Look for any of these traits and it’s not hard to see that people, as a whole, have lost their minds.
They have no issue inflicting their shitheadery on the rest of us. Common courtesy is nonexistent. If it shows itself it’s by accident and has been known to cause heart attacks and induce vomiting. Utter rudeness and lack of respect for other people has somehow become expected.
Everyone expects and feels entitled to wealth and fame for simply being who they are. More often than not, who they are is a jackass with an internet connection and a karaoke machine. Some are willing to humiliate themselves in some way just to be on TV or in the news. Others are too lazy to sing, dance, juggle, tell a joke, strip, or screw. Instead, they look for scalding pots of coffee, icy walks, horny co-workers, someone who will fire them, operate on them, and an equally ethically challenged lawyer to help them file a law suit.
Closer to home, you see these footstools every day. They walk around screaming their unbelievably personal stories into cell phones with ringtones capable of drowning out a heavy metal guitar solo. They are accompanied by their uncontrollably wild offspring that they let run around and scream like drunken monkeys. To this they are apparently completely immune and deaf to. They think of no one but themselves, their needs, their looks, how to become famous, how not to get arrested, how to get arrested, and who should be sued when it doesn’t work out. They are more concerned with who’s getting married, divorced, going to jail, or getting fat than they are with their own welfare, much less anyone else’s.
Post your sightings, thoughts, and experiences on the forums
Aug
5
When Will They Call?
Filed Under WTF? Shitheadery | 2 Comments
There are no two things more humiliating than interviewing for a job and dating.
It’s not easy to be on your game, at your best, and on your best behavior for something that inevitably, at the end of it all, will strip you of your dignity and self respect.
The night before is spent lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. You try desperately, usually in vain, to remember all the wonderful things you have to offer: I’m good with people, have a degree in whatever the hell I went to college for, sensitive, smart, knowledgeable, average, comfortable in any position (wink wink), and generally loyal.
You pick your clothes hoping for a sense of style and to show the real you, but not the you they don’t want to see. You shower longer than usual and clean cracks, that until now, you never considered anyone would ever see—or want to see. For the finale you marinate yourself in deodorant, stink juice, body spray, and powder. Douse the back of your ears with the latest supple stench if you’re a girl and a slap of whore bait if you’re a guy, and leave the house shaking and sweating like a fat kid holding 99¢ at a $1.00 all you can eat buffet.
The meeting goes well or it doesn’t. It’s awkward at best and you deflect, finesse, and field an onslaught of ridiculous question after question. Where are you from, where did you go to school, what do you do for fun, what can you do for or too me, and what do you want?
You try to appear confident, charming, and knowledgeable. The whole time remembering the advice about picturing the other person naked and praying you got the advice right and that it was in fact meant for you. For a nanosecond you find your comfort zone and get the other person to laugh, pause, smile, or sigh. And during that very fleeting, minute instance in time, and in slow motion, you feel your sphincter finally relax from being clamped shut for two days. You’re on a roll, ready for the next big lunge into the abyss. The moment is yours. For about a second and a half. But what a ride.
If you’re lucky, it moves to the next stage. You meet the others who happen to be around and conveniently available to be met. See where you’ll sit, eat, shit. Shown the area where the magic happens and the few but fortunate frolic. If they really like you it happens right then.
You leave, feeling sullen, bemused and somewhat spent. Wondering how it went. What more you could have said and done. What you left out and what you left in. But overall, just relieved and glad that’s out of the way. Until the thought of who should call who and when that call should happen creeps in.
Back home, with more time on your hands then you need, you check your phone battery, click the Send/Receive button like it’s an orgasm dispenser, send yourself test e-mails, call your house phone with your cell phone and back again. It’s been two hours, you think, surely they want to see me again. You repeat this activity for two days with the same results and finally break down and question whether another attempt at communication on your part would indicate desperation, persistence, genuine interest, or sociopathic behavior.
Following several lengthy consultations with friends, family, psychologists, and people with significant religious and philosophical knowledge you draft an e-mail. A hands down winning choice over the phone for reasons of brevity, form, and eloquence. That and the paralyzing fear of sounding like a complete idiot has caused your asshole to slam shut again and if your phone call were actually answered by a real person you would become instantly un-constipated in the middle of the conversation.
You press Send and wait. And wait. And wait. Until one day, it occurs to you that you’re never going to hear back. You come to the very real disillusioning fact that they have moved on, aren’t interested, found someone else that better fits their need, lifestyle, wardrobe, or agenda and hired them. Shit. You’re overcome with depression from experiencing the kind of rejection that makes you doubt your own soul. Then it occurs to you that you’ll be starting the entire process again and get pissed off.
The nerve of them, you think. This is shitheadery at its best. No e-mail or phone call to say: You’re nice, but nice doesn’t work right now . If you had more experience… You’re not the right age. You chew like a cow. Bigger balls are a plus. Bigger boobs are a plus.
Okay, maybe a run down of your shortcomings wouldn’t be the esteem booster and motivator you’re looking for, but something less masochistic like: Hey thanks for the chat, discourse and intercourse. I appreciate you taking the time, and loved the reach-around, but it’s not looking good.
It is one thing for another person to completely blow you off after a date or a one night stand. Remorse, shame, shyness, or the simple inability to face someone or oneself are viable human reasons to not call someone and can be excused despite the hurt and humiliation you may feel. Human intimacy is brittle and tricky to negotiate. But when a company or person from that company thinks so little of the people who spend that amount of time and energy (and we all do) to make the effort and don’t have the decency, common sense, or integrity to let you know where you stand or even that you don’t have a leg to stand on it’s shitheadery.
Aug
4
Home Sweet Homeland
Filed Under WTF? Shitheadery | Leave a Comment
On July 17, at around 6:00 PM, I was driving home from work, listening to the news on the radio, when the announcement from the National Intelligence Council came through the car speakers with, “The Terrorist Threat to the US Homeland” report.
It was like the thud you hear from the shower. You’re pretty sure it was the soap or a shampoo bottle, but you have to be sure it wasn’t a skull bouncing off the bathtub floor. I turned the volume up and the thuds kept coming
The main threat comes from Islamic terrorist groups and cells, especially al-
Qa’ida, driven by their undiminished intent to attack the Homeland…
There it is!!!
We assess that al-Qa’ida will continue to enhance its capabilities to attack the Homeland…
There it is again!!!
They said Homeland. When did that happen? And with a capital H. Not, “We need to protect our homeland,” or “Our homeland is in danger.” The friggin’ Homeland.
If you’re like me and live in a state of existential angst and a constant feeling of impending doom, constantly hearing that we’re in imminent danger is bad enough. But Homeland? Holy shit. The report mentions it 11 times in six pages.
The report, that undoubtedly took extensive research, man hours and expenditures (that’s time and money) and will be filed under No Shit, determined this: There are people in this world who don’t like us and they want to kill us.
This transcript was picked up from a van outside the White House:
DCrules: George?
DCrules: George ru there?
DeciderBoi: use my alien
DCrules: your alias.
DeciderBoi: don’t cus @ me I’m impotent
DCrules: no, it’s ALIAS not ALIEN.
DeciderBoi: I’m not going to say it again. Jesus I hate these gameboys
DCrules: blackberry.
DeciderBoi: don’t like em never did, mom used to make those ss guys take the seed outs
DCrules: where are u?
DeciderBoi: cruising the internets and surfin the blogesphere
DCrules: we have a brief in 10.
DeciderBoi: time for the veto awesome
DCrules: no the name.
DeciderBoi: k
DeciderBoi; didja tell em bout bushopolis, for my dad?
DCrules: we discussed this.
DeciderBoi: for my dad tho, ya know my father’s land?
DCrules: we’re going with Homeland.
DeciderBoi: right its got home and land in it. This is my home and its land. I like it
DeciderBoi: what about that peggy noonan beatch? She didn’t like it
DCrules: don’t worry about her.
DCRULES: it’s done we’re using it today. It’s in the report 11 times they won’t even see ti coming
DeciderBoi: awesome is it long?
DCrules: 6 pages it’s on your ipod.
So there you have it.
Peggy Noonan, mentioned in the conversation is a speechwriter and Republican consultant who expressed her concern about the use of the word Homeland, in Homeland Security. “The name Homeland Security grates on a lot of people, understandably. Homeland isn’t really an American word, it’s not something we used to say or say now,” she wrote in a column.
That sounds a bit anti-homeland to me. Homeland sounds safe. Like Fatherland. Who would Homeland grate on? Maybe Noonan is against safety and comfort. Maybe she has something against The Homeland.
You can read the actual report here.
